Lack of Success
After my layoff, the hardest thing for me to deal with was the uncertainty. I had been unemployed before, but it had always been my choice, which gave me the opportunity to prepare myself for the challenges ahead. This seems obvious, but I thought there was little difference between the two scenarios. I thought I would put in the hard work, like I always had, and the right job would come along. This philosophy had always worked for me and my lack of success was a first, which I struggled to accept.
The job market was tough, but I wondered if I was somehow sabotaging myself or putting negative energy into the universe, which was causing my setbacks. I started to doubt myself, and it was not a great place to be. I felt overwhelmed during interviews, which had never happened before, and my self-confidence took a hit.So much uncertainty surrounded me that I felt I was sinking into a very dark place. It scared me! So, I decided the best thing to do was to embrace it. I didn’t know what my next act would be, but it was liberating to move on.
Accepting an Invitation of Uncertainty
In spite of what movies tell us, it is not easy to “let it go.” Even after deciding to stop actively looking for a job, I would still find myself sitting at the computer for hours trying to find a project manager position. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was a failure, but every time I started looking for a new position, I was riddled with anxiety. I didn’t know what to do or which direction I should take.
However, I recognized that stepping away from the career I had always known left me less stressed, happier, and healthier. The best thing for me to do was accept the loss of a career and seize the invitation that the world was giving me – a chance to explore something new and potentially greater.
As excited as I was to take on a new challenge and explore other options, I still worried about money. I needed to pay for food, electricity, health insurance, and other bills. I also worried about keeping myself active and not withdrawing from the world. So, I took various jobs: helping friends in their classrooms, working at a friend’s tea shop, and getting my emergency substitute teaching credential, which was a complicated process.
I almost became a teacher years ago but decided against it, only to end up teaching anyway. I made the right decision not to go into teaching, but the irony is not lost on me. Luckily, I do not have to do report cards or parent-teacher conferences, which is a bonus. In the end, these odd jobs allow me to pursue writing/blogging, but it hasn’t been easy.
Reinvention=Vulnerability
One of my biggest challenges throughout this process has been self-doubt. I have spent a lot of time questioning the practicality of maintaining a blog and sharing this reinvention journey. I’ve questioned whether it can result in any income? I’ve questioned if people will find value in what I have to say. Will people have a favorable response? Am I opening myself up to criticism? I realized all of these can be true, but I can’t let fear stop me from moving forward. If I am truly going to accept the invitation of uncertainty, then I have to embrace it completely.
It also means I have to accept that no matter the response, the exercise itself is healing for me. It gives me a creative outlet that I genuinely enjoy, and it makes me a better person. If I gain nothing more, I am happy with that result. I am thrilled to be writing again, which has always been a joy of mine.
I know I might not be the best writer, but I hope to improve. That is part of the process. I know everything I write will not speak to everyone, and that’s okay. I am embracing this journey and wherever it takes me. This is a reinvention, after all, and that means making myself vulnerable, putting myself out there, and seeing where life leads. I am excited for the adventure, and I am happy that you are choosing to join me.
